[003] A Key to Improve Relationships

"My child seems to have nothing to say with me, and stays in his room all the time after come back home."

"My child is in resistance mode whatever I say, not listening at all.”

Sound familiar?

Parents of adolescent children are often troubled with getting along with their young adult family members, this is a common topic for parents coming to a coach for help.

When I began studying coaching skills, I came across a special way of listening. After practice, I feel that it is not only useful in coaching conversations, but also helps to establish a good parent-child relationship, husband and wife relationship, and can also help interpersonal relationships at work.

An important part of this listening method is to hold back the impulse. When we listen, in addition to trying to understand what we hear, the brain may also do other things unconsciously, such as judging, guessing the reason or helping to find a solution. Naturally, we have the impulse to feedback these judgments, analyses and suggestions to the speaker, but this often jeopardizes the quality of communication, and even adversely affects the relationship over time.

As a listener, if you can hold back the following three impulses, it’s guaranteed for better communication, and enhanced relationships.

First: hold back! Don’t be a judge

The judge must make a judgment on the matter. When listening, "being a judge" means that while you listen to the other speak, you immediately judge what you hear. "It's good!", "It's terrible!" "You are always like this", "This is not healthy!"

Such judgments are not conducive to creating a safe conversation environment.

When people are talking, if they feel that the other party is judging, they will become closed, because they feel that they are labeled, or that they have imposed other people's values. At this time, the speaking party will reduce the desire to talk [i], do not want to talk about their own experience or want to give the help they hope to get. If it is very self-conscious, it will also produce rebellious emotions.

An example,

Child: I'm feeling a little unwell.

Parent: Your health is really bad!

Child: ... (I may think, why am I telling you this!)

Second: Hold back! Don’t be a detective

What a detective does is to find clues and sort the case out. In our context, detective listener is a metaphor for those who are particularly willing to analyze the cause for the speaker, regardless of whether the speaker wants it or not. When confronted with such a listener, the speaker will feel a bit confused. The conversation has not proceeded in the direction he imagined, and the interest to talk is reduced, the conversation may even be terminated.

Examples of detective style listeners:

Child: I'm feeling a little unwell.

Parent: You must have gotten cold during sleep last night, or you might have worn too little when you went out yesterday. What am I saying? Don't listen to the old man's words and suffer at a loss!

Child: ... (why am I telling you this!)

Third: Hold back! Don’t be a doctor

The doctor's job is to prescribe. The prescription in the case of listener could be various suggestions, plans and even orders. To be a doctor-type listener is to listen to the other party's speech, thinking about how to reply, giving him some ideas immediately.

Doctor-type listeners are warmhearted. Such parents generally think like this: I ’m doing it for your own good, because I care about you, I don’t want you to take the detour.

You can’t deny the kindness of parents, and you can’t deny that children sometimes need to hear their parents ’advice, but it shouldn’t be that every time they come to talk, they are seeking the advice. If parents habitually think that the child comes to talk to me, let me give advice. The child suddenly gets advice without asking for one, they may say in their mind, “I didn’t want your advice!”

For example, the following doctor-type listener,

Child: I’m feeling a little unwell.

Parent: Hurry up, take some medicine, drink more water, and put a quilt on to sleep!

child:…

If a parent is a judge, detective and doctor-type "all-round listener", when the child says "I’m feeling a little unwell”, the child may get an immediate response that some like,

"Oh! Your health is really so weak. You must have slept cold last night or went out wearing too little! What did I say, listen to the old man's words! Take some medicine, drink plenty of water, then put on the quilt and go to sleep! "

Can you imagine how the child feels after hearing the parents' reaction like this? Over time, unless non avoidable, how can children still want to communicate with their parents?

The above example is a very simple situation, I hope to help you realize the meaning of these three "hold back". As a listener, if you can resist the immediate impulses after hearing something, and don’t be a judge, a detective or a doctor, the communication effectiveness will be significantly improved.

These three "hold backs" seem simple, but because they are different from the listening methods that people are used to, they need to practice consciously to enjoy the benefits it brings. It would be interesting if parents and children knew the three hold backs, do some exercises together and supervise each other.

Good listening skills are a key to enhancing relationships. I hope that these three "hold backs" that I have summarized can help you become a more effective listener and enhance all kinds of interpersonal relationships in life.

Reference:

[i] https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/about-us/our-campaigns/challenging-stigma-young-people/impact-judgement

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