[004] A Secret in Conversation Skills

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Human relations rely on communication, and conversation is an important form, yet there are some hidden rules that may not be known widely, however, becoming aware may greatly benefit our interpersonal communication.

Check out this sample conversation in our daily life, a husband wants to buy a new TV, hoping to get his wife's consent. Same topic but two different ways of conversation, the effect can be quite different.

The first one:

Husband: I think we should buy a new TV.

Wife: Why buy a new TV? (Asking Why, challenging tone)

Husband: Our TV is so out fashioned; it doesn’t even have network functions! (feeling challenged and uncomfortable)

Wife: Why should there be a network function? (Asking WHY, it sounds like complaining that her husband is always pursuing new features ...)

The second one, the wife changed a way when responding, see what happens.

Husband: I think we should buy a new TV.

Wife: What are the advantages of the new TV? (Ask WHAT, it sounds more like wanting to understand than challenging)

Husband: The new TV has network function, we can directly access the TV series and movies online, no longer need to connect through the computer!

Wife: Not bad! What is the price?

Husband: Not expensive ...

Can you tell the difference? The first dialogue sounds confrontational, but the second one is calmer. Reason? The secret lies in the way of asking questions in response . In the first dialogue, every time the wife asked her husband, "Why" , while in the second dialogue, every time the wife asked her husband, "What" instead of "Why?" .

You might think, isn’t it a good practice to ask " why "? When we grew up, we were always told by teachers and parents, "You should ask why to everything!”

Yes, it is indeed a good habit to ask "why". Asking yourself "Why am I living?" can help to find meaning in life. Companies ask often "Why do we exist?" achieve greatness, asking why to explore the world leads to the social evolution. Remember? Newton’s question of “Why an apple fell to the ground rather than run into sky?" leads to discovery of gravitation.

Asking "Why" is powerful in many aspects, but when dealing with human conversation, it pays to be careful. I got to know this in my coaching skills training, while in a coaching conversation, asking client a “Why” question is almost a taboo.

To achieve a good coaching result, the coach is responsible to create a safe environment. For those who come to support in coaching, a sense of safety is crucial. Every second, the human brain scans the surrounding environment and asks itself, is it safe here? Is it dangerous? (Stanier 2016). Once they feel that the coach is judgmental, and asking questions beginning with "why", they will feel insecure and will be closed and resistant, which will negatively impact the coaching conversation.

It’s the same in our daily conversation with people, between parents and children, colleagues, if you want to get good results, better be careful, avoid asking "why", because it’s easy to get the other party create The other party's resistance (Wilson 2011) . This is not difficult to understand. If after your speaking you gets an abrupt “why?”, it’s like being scrutinized under the spotlight, which for many people is a huge challenge, be it one on one or in public, young or old, when people are challenged and accused , they become resistant easily.

In the dialogue, asking "why" has two possible problems. First, it is easy to make the other party feel accusatory as if you’re asking them to justify the rationale of their behavior, not a good feeling there. Second, easy to make the other side into the fixed mindset, and begin to be defensive, to look for excuses, rather than finding the real reasons (Tighe 2013).

If you want to create an open and safe atmosphere when communicating with people, try avoid asking questions beginning with "Why" and change "Why" to "What" when asking, which will help keeping the conversation environment safe. Sense (Stanier 2016) For example, do not ask "Why did you do this ?" ask, "What results were you hoping to achieve?) will get better result. (Tighe 2013)

Having said that, if your intention is to challenge, feel free to ask “why” questions. You might encounter difficult discussions and wonder what’s going wrong.

Please do not misunderstand, asking "why" is still an important ability, it keeps us curious and explores ourselves and the world, however, in interpersonal conversation, if you want to maintain a good atmosphere, it is recommended to avoid asking "why" question, and change to ask “what”. Although this is a professional requirement for coaches in coaching conversation, it may be helpful to you in daily life, and bring you some positive effect.

Reference

Stanier, MB (2016). The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever , Box of Crayons Press.

Tighe, L. (2013). The Answer-Improve Your Life by Asking Better Questions , Ebookit.com.

Wilson, C. (2011). Best Practice in Performance Coaching: A Handbook for Leaders, Coaches, HR Professionals and Organizations , Kogan Page.